My Hope For My Posts

 
 
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I feel like I have a lot I want to say, but getting things across positively is going to be difficult for me at times.

I don’t just want to come across as if I’m ranting about my situation and actually give the advice and positivity that I would have liked to have access to in the early stages of my illness.

I found there were people blogging. There were hashtags. But nothing I came across I felt was truly up-lifting. It was a strange sense of false positivity from people who had let their illness define them. Everything else they wrote about seemed a strange hobby to their main focus, being ill.

For me, that’s not what I want. I want to be more than my illness. And I was reluctant at first to even mention it online at all. Vaguely mentioning it in cryptic Instagram posts every few months.

Staying positive hasn’t always been easy.

It hasn’t really been an easy time for me.

I removed myself from the internet. I feel there is already enough negativity online to last several hundred lifetimes at the moment.

But things have been positive for me. I am happy with my life, as strange as that sounds. And I’m proud of the recent choices I’ve made. I've managed to get myself out of bed. Which is something, at one point I didn’t think I’d be able to do. And just by doing that, I’ve proven to myself that I can get wherever I want to be with enough hard work and determination.

And that’s a message I really want to share. 

Because it’s not false feelings. I really have got a great life at the moment. And i really do have a desire to push forward. And I really do think I can achieve anything.

I don’t have a psychological illness that’s causing my problems. Even though it’s often mistaken as one. But that doesn’t mean that your mindset about life isn’t important. It’s easy to spiral into mental illness with any massive life change. Be that because of illness, or even a change of circumstance. I had both at the end of 2014. Everything changed. I was completely isolated from my old life, my friends. I was completely penniless and soon my health deteriorated.

But I was going to focus on the positives. I was going to make myself into someone I really wanted to be.

Someone I should be.

Someone I am.

As soon as that thought crossed into my mind, amazing people started entering my life that would only help me push forward. And I mean, I was stuck in bed, yet they still came. But I was still able to make a differentiation between those who would help me and those who would hold me back.

Because I’d convinced myself I was going to get better. I wasn’t going to let this situation take my mental health like it did my physical. It was a strange sense of confidence that really made a difference.

I’d had mental health problems the first time this had happened. When I was a young teen, suddenly being isolated and made vulnerable by a body that would only work at 40% efficiency.

Now I was in my mid 20s and it was at 20%, but it was going to get better. I was going to find a way to fix it. Even 30% would be an improvement to aim for. 

And for that I needed to stay positive. 

Positivity was the only guard I had left of being completely vulnerable to my situation.

And it worked. 

I did it. And I want to share how I did it. And I want to keep it as positive as I can. Because the majority of the time, I am positive. But negativity sticks to people easier. And I want to keep that in my head.

Maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else.